Dear Marie,
dear Bigot!
Not
without experiencing the deepest regret have I been made to realize
that the purest and most innocent feelings can often be misunderstood
- Moreover, judging by the way in which you welcomed me, dear
M[arie], I never dreamt of reading anything more into your behavior
than the gift of your friendship - You must think me very vain
and petty if you assume that the friendliness of so excellent
a person as yourself might lead to my believing that - I had immediately
won your affection - Besides, it is one of my chief principles
never to be in any other relationship than that of friendship
with the wife of another man. For I should not wish by forming
any other kind of relationship to fill my heart with distrust
of that woman who some day will perhaps share my fate - and
thus by my own action to destroy the loveliest and purest relationship
- Possibly once or twice I did indulge with Bigot in some jokes
which were not quite refined. But I myself told you that sometimes
I am very naughty - I am extremely natural with all my friends
and I hate any kind of constraint. Now I count Bigot among my
friends; and if something about me annoys him, friendship demands
that both of you should tell me so - and I will certainly take
care not to offend him again - But how can our kind Marie put
such an evil construction on my actions? -- --
As
for my invitation to take you and Caroline for a drive, it was
only natural that since on the previous day Bigot had objected
to your coming alone for a drive with me, I should think that
both of you considered it perhaps unsuitable or improper - and
when I wrote to you, all I wanted to make clear to you was that
I saw nothing improper in it. And if I added emphatically that
I attached great importance to your not refusing my invitation,
I did so merely in order to induce you to enjoy the beautiful
fine day. I was thinking far more of your and Caroline's pleasure
than of my own. And in this way, namely, by stating that distrust
on your part or a refusal would be really offensive to me,
I thought I could almost compel you to yield to my entreaties.
- Well, surely you ought to consider how you can make amends to
me for - having spoilt for me - that lovely day, both on account
of my frame of mind and also on account of the lovely weather
- If I said that you misjudged me, well, your present opinion
of me shows that I was certainly right, quite apart from considering
what you thought of the whole matter - If I said
that something dreadful would result from my going to see
you, that was certainly meant rather as a jest, the purpose
of which was to show you that everything connected with you attracts
me more and more, so that my dearest wish is to be able to live
with you both for ever. That too is the truth - Then, supposing
that there were some deeper meaning in my statement, why, even
the most sacred friendship can often have other secret implications,
but - on that account to put a wrong construction on your
friend's secret - because you cannot fathom it at once - that
you should not do, dear Bigot and dear Marie. For never,
never will you find me dishonourable. Since my childhood I
have learnt to love virtue - and everything beautiful and good
- Indeed you have hurt me very deeply - But your action will only
serve to strengthen our friendship more and more - I am really
not very well today and it is difficult for me to see you. Since
the performance of the quartets yesterday my sensitiveness and
my imagination have been constantly reminding me that I have made
you suffer. I went last night to the Redoute in order to amuse
myself, but in vain; visions of all of you pursued me everywhere,
and the whole time I was being reminded that 'the Bigots are so
good and are suffering perhaps through your fault'. - So in a
fit of desperation I hurried away - Write me a few lines -
Your sincere and loyal friend Beethoven
embraces you all --